Sunday, July 16, 2017

I am so sorry 42NITE. July 2016


16th July 2017
Sunday
2112hr

Showered. Drunk.

Like those type of sad cases where all i can only say, if it didnt happen this mth, is becos of tonight,i  lim tòo much. I am sorry. My fault

I drove back, intact. Yet i didnt even want to go there in the first place(where all the free flow alcohol r) and this is what it it is happening.

I am tired. 

Life is expecting me to be a wonder woman. Go to sormwhere, see pple lim and me not lim? Offer me to lim means what?

But i just want to be just somebody's woman. 

Can no man just tc me? I am a small woman.

i how old already? Still have to deal with this kind of shit? Take care of other people shit? App3ar at event but whp really cares abt me?

I am tired, i am old. I just want to live peaceful and happily.

Stop bringing me to places like this with alcohol anymore.

Tired. I am.

Some1 just shot me in the head.

M

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Jul 2017 Tireness


12th July 2017
Wednesday
0738hr

Need to strike somemore goals today.

Feeling sober doesnt help. Days and weeks just feel longer.

And avoiding anything that talks abt alcohol.

Trying to tune my body back.

Am starting to feel like i am somewhat living each day as if it is my last day.


M

Sunday, July 02, 2017

I was adored once too, but today...

2nd July 2017
1004hr.
Sunday.

Start of the month, again. The race starts again for the first 2weeks.

Supposed to be happy ytd. Ended up getting screamed at because i asked for a simple thing, yet, got nth in the end. And getting screamed at for nothing.

I learnt.

Ask and u shall receive, nothing but tirade.

Hahahaa.

I was adored once many times before.

Look at me today.

Hahaha.

Michelle u are such a pathetic loser.

Monday, June 26, 2017

June 2017 is heart attack for me.

26th jun 2017.
Monday.
2031hr.

Is Ph. Home chilling with aircon,tv me and myself.

I duno what to say. But i think for the first time, i believe i have given up hope for hope, for mirAcle, for just hoping for simple progress in my life.

After what the doc has told me 2days ago, I think my life phase is over.

As much as i can tell pple i am going to keep positive,

I am tired.

I think next month is going to be yet another fertile attempt.

Which makes me very scared of facing the next truth of what is goin to happen after that in july.

As much as i keep telling myself to be positive and not think too much abt it.

I am drinking again. Drinking means i am back to my sad self.

I feel like ending myself.

M

Friday, June 02, 2017

~~~ M.R.13 ~~~ Happy 13th Anniversary ENNUI << in 10 days >>


2nd June 2017
2119hr
Friday.

Kind of in my comfortable zone, showered and chilling. Spotify in the background. The 1 thing about Spotify is i cannot seem to find my source of genre of music that i can feel to, not like back in the old days when I just hyped to Techno and RNB. Butterfly and shit. That was me.

I digressed.


I am 13:
--------

In 10 more days, Happy 13th year Anniversary to my Ennui.

Surprise surprise, I myself didn't bother to keep track, and didn't know time have flied just like that! Until just now i had to itchy hand go and read the very first post of thisblog. Not to really reminiscence, but more to check out the photo that i included in this virgin post. As for why And what made me check it out, I see if i want to pen down later or not in this post or not.

Anyway, virgin post had a Photo of me and R, taken in his hall, with my very first dual cam phone by Samsung back then. (1st Selfie phone 13 years ago! Was the IT thing!) We were in our uni days, where we both were wild, young, party animals, drink like a fish, dance like a beng/lian, biker freakos, black sheeps in the Mechanical Engineering School, buang so many mdoules and kena retained until like siao, prancing everywhere together, from taban gardens, chinese garden (chinese lantern festival), to JB.

I cannot believe all these ended only like 13 years ago.

It felt like more like 20 years ago.

Probably because I moved on to so many other new chapters that just followed after we left school. 

That makes me who I am today.


After 13 years of Ennui Today:
------------------------------

All inspiring and solemn on the outside, but tired, alone, and missing the old me on the inside. The old me, that used to love myself so much, don't give a shit about other people, who used to be uncontainable, crazy alcohol dancing party bitch.


Why I sudden nostalgia today:
------------------------

Becos today is friday, i can breathe a bit. But of the thing is R dropped me a random whatsapp like 2 nights ago, asking me if I am free this weekend to meet for a drink. 



Yes, R. The ex boyfriend who is now a happily married man with 2 kids and a sweet-looking wife, the dude who inspired me to start this little ennui space back 13 years ago today(+ 10 days to be exact lol), the dude that was part of my craziest years in uni, and where i learnt to love, hate, cry, drink, dance, went wild, 敢爱。敢恨。

Read my blog description on the right of this page:

"
About The Ennuier
后港, Strong Little Red Dot, Singapore
this blog started off in year 2004 in NTU Singapore hall 14 because of one guy, Today he is happily married with 2 kiddos and a happy wife. i am not that wife. Ennui shall probably continue for as long as I live, though I hope i kick away my random binge drinking shit habit &fuck trying to normalise into this brick-wall shit society.

"

So cannot blame me for feeling alittle affected when he dropped me such a random invite. I am just a human afterall. 我不是冷血动物。



I don't know if this is a good, bad or don't mean anything at all shit, but all i can say is, I have been so preoccupied with so many daily shit things going in my life right now, such that me to 'hear' from an old friend just made me on and off take a break from my daily stuffs during these two days (still have to work la of cos.) and at the back of my mind to recall and rewind of the good old carefree days we used to have. At least I feel like I can reach out to the old Michelle days. 


Anyway, I haven't figured out this whole situation, and this weekend not available anyway, so i said i couldn't make it.

Then he asked if next Friday can or not. The thing is, i dunno whats coming next week, so don't even know how to reply, so i'll just leave it like that. Not like he's waiting ard for my reply, i got reply or not reply he also won't hang ard waiting 1. 

Thanks for trying to invite me out, maybe you want to celebrate this 13 years of ennui you have been a part of it. As if you know about this space that is like a shrine built in ur honour, partially. Hahaha.

So yes R, this post is dedicated to you. 

Happy 13th Anniversary to us.

Have a great weekend ahead, me, u.


M.R.13








Monday, May 29, 2017

我想坚强,但我很累,很悲伤


相信自己很堅強,
但不要拒絕眼淚;

我知道你是真的累了,
才會躲在被窩裡默默掉眼淚。

我知道你只是有點悲傷,
才會一個人半夜獨醉。

我還知道,
太陽再次升起的時候,

你會披好鎧甲,
重新迎接屬於你的挑戰。

-瑈恩-
Social Media Targeting
《讓客戶群主動來找你》
https://edmundng.clickfunnels.com/optin
~佛心慧語~

Monday May 2017

29th May 2017
Monday
1728hr


Though end of a day of work already, feeling very depressed. Came across this wordings. So true, so sad.

Behind my laughter and smile, there is a an unspoken sadness cum depression.

I have been trying very hard for the past few years, but still no luck. I am very tired, really very tired. As i look on my friends getting so easy with it in fb, i wonder, is it because i am not trying harder?

Or the problem lies in me?

Life is such a rat race. Non stop competition.

So much that i havent eaten the whole day and i am not hungry at all.

I am really tired.

M



Best Regards

Thursday, May 18, 2017

May 2017 Anticipation

18th May 2018
Thursday
1807hr.

So tired. Dunno what my head is going thru. Just wish people can 争气abit.

But i dun really care. I have my own goal to achieve.

Hope to have more than 3 breakthru this 2017.

God pls give me the strength.

Mental exhuasted.
M